I listened to the tiger sisters talk about how to deal with a toxic boss and really liked how they approached this topic.
You can watch the entire episode here.
If you don’t have the 35 min time to watch the entire video, here is the jist of the conversation.
We’ve all been there, or known someone who has had the experience of working for a toxic leader. You wake up dreading going to work, where you’re constantly second-guessing every move you make. Work is hard enough, but a toxic boss makes it ten thousand times harder.
1. Is Your Boss Just Demanding, or Truly Toxic?
There is a massive difference between a boss who sets high standards and one who is toxic to your mental health. According to the Harvard Business Review, a toxic boss consistently harms your mental health, your sense of safety and stunts your career growth .
Another article on the HBR shares the 5 Red Flags of Toxicity :
- Lack of Self-Awareness: They think they are right about everything and are resistant to feedback.
- Lack of Empathy: They don’t care how their communication style impacts others.
- Driven by Self-Interest: They make risky moves for personal accolades at the expense of the team.
- Inconsistent Behavior: You never know which version of them you’re going to get, keeping you in a constant state of fear.
- Weaponizing Power: They use their position to demand blind obedience and may even sabotage your projects privately while praising you publicly.
I’ve personal experience of this toixicity. One of my past managers would privately praise me for the quality of work that I delivered, give me a good performance ratings but publicly put me down at every opportunity. This continued for months and I couldn’t understand what was happening. I ended up going into a deep clinical depression and finally ended up leaving the team for a different team.
2. Toxic Culture
Toxicity isn’t just about the person being targeted. Sheree shares a story of a manager berating an employee in front of 50 people. This creates a culture of fear where everyone is afraid to speak up or mess up, killing trust, creativity that could lead to innovation and collaboration for the whole team.
Everyone on the team is watching out for themselves and careful to not get caught in the cross-hairs of the toxic culture.
3. Strategy: How to Navigate a Bad Situation
If you find yourself stuck with a toxic leader, don’t just “hope” it gets better. You need a playbook:
- Diagnose the Situation: Ask yourself if this is a one-time stressor or a recurring pattern.
- Document Everything: Get your deliverables, deadlines, and feedback in writing. Save emails and Slack messages.
- The HR Reality Check: Remember, HR’s primary role is to protect the company, not necessarily you. Don’t expect them to be your “white knight”.
- Build External Visibility: Form relationships with cross-functional partners so your reputation isn’t entirely dependent on one toxic person.
If you are stuck in a toxic culture, start working on your resume, start reaching out to your 1st and 2nd order contacts and look to get out of there as soon as possible. Having built up a public brand helps. So, irrespective of where you are, start working on creating a public brand for yourself, about what you stand for and what you can bring to the table.
4. What a Good Boss Actually Looks Like
If you’ve only ever had toxic managers, it’s easy to lose hope. Jean highlights “Albert,” a manager who modeled what leadership should be:
- Public Praise, Private Blame: He took the hit for team mistakes publicly but gave his team all the credit for successes.
- The “Protective” Shield: Great leaders protect their team from internal politics and “mean emails” from upper management.
- The Loyalty Test: If employees from a manager’s previous company follow them to a new role. This could be a potential green flag.
- Open for Feedback: Another key thing to look for is if the leader is open to listen to feedback and adjust their actions or behaviors accordingly.
Asking their direct reports about these before you accept a role is a good practice to follow.
5. “Am I the Drama?”
If you are a manager, it might be a good idea to check if you are a toxic leader. You can be sure you are toxic,
- If your team is nervous around you
- if turnover is high or
- if you feel threatened by high performers
The good news? Unlike sociopathy, many toxic traits are driven by a lack of awareness and can be fixed with anonymous feedback, emotional regulation and intentional attention to our behaviors (communication and action).
Bottom Line: Your relationship with your boss impacts your health, your finances, and your future. If one in three people leave their jobs because of toxicity, you shouldn’t feel guilty for being the next one to walk away. But before walking away, make sure that the boss is truly toxic and not demanding high performance from you.
