As leaders, it is inevitable that at some point in time we will need to have some form of a difficult conversation with someone. It could be as simple as providing someone with critical feedback that they might not like or as difficult as letting someone go. It is never easy and needs a lot of patience, care and empathy on our part, whenever we are called upon to have such difficult conversation.
Recently, the CEO of Better.com had one such difficult conversation with his staff, when he had to let go of 15% of his staff. The way he approached this conversation is testament to how a leader should not have this conversation. His approach lacked empathy and care for the people whom he was have the conversation with. The result is that he is apparently taking some time off, while their board is planning on a leadership assessment.
You can watch the video of his conversation where he let go of his employees here.
What is more important is that we really care for our people and see them as real people who will feel pain, anger, frustrations, just like we do. This care can not be faked. If we can not care for our people as people, we have no business being a leader.
Here are a few things to think about and practice so that we can get better at having difficult conversations:
Start the difficult conversation:
The first and the most crucial part of having these difficult conversations is to actually start the conversation. It is very easy to fall prey to our fear of having the conversation and keep avoiding it. We need to remember that by not having the difficult conversation at the earliest opportunity, we are not only making the conversation even more difficult for everyone involved but we are now contributing to make the situation move from bad to worse.
Set the context .
Context is critical. What I mean by context is the combination of the physical, emotional and the topical context. What are we going to talk about. In what place are we going to talk about (in-person in a room, on a audio call, in a video call or on chat or text. Why are we talking about this. Why is this important for the both of us. How do I feel about this conversation. How do I expect you to feel about this conversation.
Explain the situation
Come directly to the point. Explain the current situation. Explain what is good about it (if any). Explain what is bad about this. Explain why is this bad.
Take ownership of our part in the situation
We take ownership of the part that we have played in the situation and be accountable about that. Then we talk about what we have already explored to make the situation better.
Be intentional about what we want to achieve from the conversation
Then we talk about what is it that we want to achieve as a result of the conversation. Ask if they agree. It is important to find common ground on the objective. If we want different things, then we need to be having a different conversation first.
Be empathetic and try to understand their PoV
Once we have done this, we need to stop speaking and listen. We need to listen to understand and empathise. If we agree on what we need to achieve from the conversation and it needs us to work together to do some brainstorming, then be prepared to do the same. If not, try and stay as open as possible to all the possibilities that could help us achieve what both of us want.
Breathe
It is quite possible that when we are having a difficult conversation, we (both of us) could experience strong emotions. The reason we tend to keep avoiding difficult conversations is to avoid this feeling of strong negative emotions. This is when we need to learn to breathe. Taking deep breaths helps us stay in control of our emotions and can help us continue to focus on our what we want to achieve.
Lead with our emotions
One of the things we need to remember is that as a species, we tend to mirror each others emotions. This is automatic and usually at a sub-conscious level. One of the benefits of taking deep breaths is that it allows us to remain in control of this exchange, ie, we are the leading with our emotions and the person we are having the difficult conversation is following our lead and mirror our emotions, which allows us to stay in control of the conversation.
Move towards the outcome that is best under the situation
Once we start talking about the difficult situation, we need to find a way to move toward the goal that we have agreed to move towards. It is important to go into the conversation with a clear outcome for the conversation but at the same time with an open mind on how we arrive at the outcome. Sometimes, under pressure, people can surprise us with their ingenuity and creativity.
Conclusion
In conclusion, what is important is to understand that we are having a difficult conversation with a person, who can feel as much as we do. However difficult the conversation is, we need to understand and keep in mind that the challenge is usually the situation and not the person. So, be understanding and show empathy.
The more we practice (with less difficult conversations), the better we will get at having these conversations.
One of my early mentors told me that the success of a leader depends not on what they do when everything is going well, but on how they handle things when they go awry (as they will, at some point in time in our careers).
The added advantage is that by watching us, the people we lead get better at having these difficult conversations.
PS: Additional insights on the topic:
Here is a great summary of a fantastic book on this topic – Crucial Conversations.
Here is a video from Mel Robbins talking about her 4 step process of having difficult conversation.
Here is Simon Sinek sharing his insights about how to start a difficult conversation.
